Recognizing True Love

Do you ever wonder, as Elsie did, how to recognize true love? Recognizing true love is vital for all of us.

"It was not true love, Mrs. Murray," Elsie finally managed to say. "It was all deception, and I was too foolish to see through the falsehoods, even when all the evidence was clear before me. A man in whom I believed had nothing but greed in his heart, but I couldn't see him for what he was. He is in prison now, for theft and defrauding another unsuspecting person. It was in the newspaper, and someone sent word of his fate to my father."

Unbidden tears welled in Elsie's eyes, and she cried out, "Oh, Mrs. Murray, if my affection can be so misled, how can I ever trust my feelings again? How can I ever know the difference between love that is true and what is false?"

From Elsie's Stolen Heart, Book 4

Unfortunately, Elsie experienced false love, and she was badly hurt by the situation. When we begin to learn what true love really is, we can begin to love others the way God meant for us to love. And we can also be discerning (which is showing good judgment) about love that is offered to us by others. This becomes increasingly important when you are in romantic relationships with young men and find yourself beginning to consider what qualities you want in a husband, just as Elsie had to do. But recognizing true love isn't all about romantic love. It's all about looking to Jesus as our perfect example and striving to love people as Jesus loved.

One of the best tests for recognizing true love is found in Scripture:  

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

This beautiful verse maps out what true love really is in its purest form. It should be your measure for evaluating how well you express true love towards others. And you should also refer to this verse to help you recognize if someone loves you in a godly manner. It's important to remember that humans aren't perfect. All of us will at one time or another get angry with someone we love, and those who love us will sometimes be angry with us. That is why our first love should always be Jesus, because He never fails us! But knowing the characteristics of true love will give you wisdom when approaching all of your relationships. These relationships include relationships with your parents, brothers and sisters, and other relatives. It includes your friendships. And of course, it includes your relationships with young men.

 

TAKING A CLOSER LOOK

If you are having difficulty recognizing true love in yourself or in others, study the above scripture. Try writing the verses in list form with "True Godly Love" at the top of the list. Write down your thoughts next to each attribute. For instance, next to "patient" you can jot down if you feel that you are patient in your relationships. Maybe someone specific comes to your mind that you know you need to be more patient with. Write down the name and ask the Lord to help you grow in true love towards that person. You can also use this same list to help you evaluate if your friendship with someone is based on true love. Is this person treating you with kindness? Is he or she boastful or proud? Does he or she get angry with you often? These are questions you can ask that will help you in your relationships with others.

As you evaluate true love in your relationships, be careful that you do not become judgmental towards others if their actions toward you do not strongly reflect the characteristics in the verses. Part of true love requires us to be patient with one another and not keep a record of wrongs (or hold grudges). But if you feel that some of your relationships are heading the opposite direction of what scripture teaches, talk to your parents or a trusted Christian adult about how to handle it. You might consider talking to your friend and let him or her know that you feel the relationship is not growing in the way of true love. Perhaps you will find opportunity to share what true love really is!

THE DEFINITION OF LOVE: JESUS!

There are many other verses that talk about love or that show examples of what true love looks like. Jesus is our ultimate example, as He was willing to lay down His life for us. If you want to learn more about true love, turn to the Bible and begin your own study on "love." Try reading in the four Gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John and study the actions and words of Jesus. As you learn more about your Savior, you will learn more about love. You will be blessed as you discover new truths about God's love for you and how He wants you to love others.  

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:12-13

Questions & Answers

When true love comes, it will be as wonderful as you have imagined it in your dreams. When it happens, you will know it. Your parents will confirm it, and God will confirm it to you too. Here are five common questions young girls have asked Elsie about true love.

1. How old do you need to be to experience true love?

True love comes when you are old enough for it - when you are ready to make a lifetime commitment to someone in marriage. True love will not come to you when you are young, like at age fourteen, because neither you nor the young man you are interested in are old enough or mature enough to love this way yet. Since you are not ready for true love, be careful not to let your emotions get too carried away. Keep things cool. It is fine to enjoy a friendship with a boy, to respect him, to love him as a brother in Christ. But guard your heart against getting involved romantically. This kind of love comes later and if you rush it, you will only get hurt.

Trust the Lord to bring your "true love" to you in His perfect time when you are older. You don't need to be concerned with it yet. Enjoy your friendships now.

2. What if I'm not sure the boy I like is living his life for Christ?

2 Corinthians 6:14-18 warns against having any form of a binding relationship with unbelievers. I believe this includes dating or any kind of emotional attachments where you allow vulnerable intimacy of your soul. Do not put yourself into a situation where you will be tempted to compromise your faith. This type of friendship could easily influence you away from your love and devotion to the Lord.

The safest thing is to pray for him and speak boldly of your faith. Let him know exactly where you stand as far as your friendship with him and where you draw the lines. You could also invite him to church, youth group functions, or other Christian social activities. Keep your heart pure and set on the Lord. Beware of subtle traps that could hinder you from running the race of faith. Listen to Hebrews 12:1, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." I believe God will give you wisdom and grace in dealing with your friend if you set your heart to honor Him above all else.

3. I seem to have lots of crushes on boys. Can you help me?

It is normal for a girl your age to have crushes. Don't get mad at yourself. It is a part of growing up and becoming more interested in boys. The secret is to be in control of your thoughts and your emotions. Keep your focus on the Kingdom of God and avoid thoughts, conversations, or circumstances that would feed this area of preoccupation with boys. Think of boys as your brothers in Christ. If you slip up and find yourself drawn into this arena, don't get frustrated, just get back on track. Meditate on this verse: "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5). Keep strong in your convictions of truth and make your thoughts obey. Your emotions will follow along. Don't get over concerned with them.

4. There's a boy who likes me and wants to "go out" with me. I'm afraid of hurting his feelings by saying "no."

Following Jesus requires that you must take stands for what is right and be willing to boldly say "no" to people. You can do it lovingly without making them feel rejected. I know you don't want to hurt this boy, but you are actually sparing him a lot of pain down the road if you don't let anything ever begin. So, being honest right from the beginning is actually very merciful and kind. Pray for the boy and ask God to protect Him from getting hurt or angry. The Lord will make a way for you to do what is righteous. I realize this takes strength and maturity; both godly qualities that I know you desire. God will make all grace abound to you.

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8

5. I'm finding that I think about boys way too much. Is this wrong?

As far as boys, it is very normal for you to be attracted to them. This is part of the way you are changing and growing into a woman. Allow yourself the freedom to enjoy friendship with boys in groups or under adult supervision. But do not let your thoughts or your emotions run wild, or you will find yourself becoming overly preoccupied with thinking of boys and it will become an obsession. Just because it is normal to feel this way, does not mean you should allow it to control your thoughts and emotions. For instance, you do not want to be thinking about kissing boys. This is not appropriate behavior and therefore you need to cut off the thoughts that may tempt or distract you. Stay in control of your emotions also. Try to avoid excessive emotional attachments or crushes.
It is important to be very established in your convictions about boys and dating now. This is something that needs to be worked out with your parents. With your parents, you can set guidelines about boys that you will follow through your teen years. These convictions and standards will serve as a map and compass and shield to keep you out of dangerous waters. You can't start a journey without them, so that's why you must think about it now while you are just beginning.

6. Did girls at the age of 15 in your time date? What is the difference between courtship and dating?

During the times I lived in, respectable girls did not date - not at age 15 or at any age. What we did do was called courtship. Let me explain the difference between dating and courtship.

Dating is a term used to refer to a type of social relationship between a boy and a girl where there is no commitment to one another. It can be compared to going shopping for an outfit and trying on several garments before you make your purchase. I believe this approach to developing acquaintances with the opposite sex is extremely dangerous and unbiblical. Young people set themselves up to become physically and emotionally hurt and damaged. Romans l3:l4 says "Put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts." Dating sets you up to fall into the temptation of giving yourself emotionally and/or physically to a person other than your mate. This can cause great sorrow in present relationships and in a future marriage relationship. It is only when you keep the physical involvement out (or the potential for it), that you will have the ability to hear the Lord guide you into His choice of the right lifemate for you.

Courtship is a formal process two people go through to determine if the Lord has planned for them to be married. There are no casual, superficial courtship relationships. A courtship is a steady building of a relationship, starting with friendship, under the guidance and protection of trusted adults. The goal is to get to know the person of opposite sex and to determine if there exists the kind of long-term depth of compatibility that could lead to a marriage commitment. Courtship is something that takes time - it is not a quick process. Courtship is done in group settings, be it church activities or family activities. The idea is for you and each other's family and friends to get to know one another over an extended period of time through diverse types of circumstances and activities.
Parental involvement is very important in courtship. A critical part of the courtship process is for your parents to evaluate the suitability of the match. You must trust your parent's wisdom and judgment. They know and see things that you are not able in your youth to see. Even if your parents aren't believers, God will still speak through them. They are set up by God to be your covering and protection. To make a wise decision, you must listen to, respect and obey the opinions and decisions of your parents. Work with your parents to establish the guidelines or "ground rules" for your courtship, including how long it will be. There are many good books about courtship available in Christian Bookstores. You can get one and read it with your family. Then you can discuss together what seems best for you.

It is altogether normal and healthy to be developing interests in boys. But you must place yourself in very safe settings where you can allow your relationships to grow into friendships that will be pleasing to the Lord.

A FINAL WORD

God loves you! He knows that romantic relationships are important to you. But God has a perfect timing and a perfect plan for your life. Take the advice offered from Ecclesiastes 12:1, which says, "Remember the Creator in the days of your youth." These are precious years for you to develop the most important and exciting relationship you will ever have - your "romance" with God! If you strive to keep your eyes on Him, He will guide you in all things - even in your love life! But until that time comes, it is important for you to keep a check on your emotions, so as to guard your heart from being hurt. Enjoy your friendships with young men and leave the matchmaking to God! You won't be disappointed!